Occasionally, we reflect on why we love video games: the ability to play god, wielding truck-sized firearms and 10-foot-swords, performing a 65-hit combo on a defenseless foe. And if you think about it, only video games are able to give us characters infinitely more athletic than Olympians or anyone else on Earth.
Think about it: how impossibly fit are some of these characters? So fit that we rarely see them breaking a pixelated sweat. In real life, Sonic would crush a cheetah(maybe even Usain Bolt) in a race, and Cloud would be able to throw a javelin halfway across the planet.
So without further ado, I give you the most ridiculously athletic characters in gaming, their highest calorie-burning performances, and, in the spirit of the now-passed Olympics, their opposite-gender counterparts.
Mario
A chubby plumber who can scurry at a respectable velocity for worlds on-end, Mario is perhaps more well known for his primitive, but physically demanding ways of taking down Goombas, Shy Guys, and his nemesis, Bowser. And come to think of it, Yoshi's also pretty fit for toting this rotund fellow around.
Signature move: Mario triple-jumps two stories high only to come down with a flip and a butt stomp on a giant mushroom. That requires some serious calves...and a battle-hardened gluteus maximus.
Counterpart: Though she's of a smaller frame (but possibly part Italian), I'd say Jade from Beyond Good and Evil.
Faith Connors
From EA's hit parkour-focused mechanics arose Mirror's Edge, where Faith stands as one of gaming's closest representations to a human's athletic potential. But with a distance runner's endurance, a gymnast's acrobatics & strength, and a mastery of parkour that humbles Ninja Warriors, Faith has perhaps crossed the superhuman line like a tightrope walker.
Signature Move: Jumping from crane-to-crane - inches from death and several hundred feet above the ground - definitely tops my list.
Counterpart: Ryu Hayubusa (Ninja Gaiden)
Ryu (Street Fighter)
Ryu may come off as your stereotypical martial artist, but this Street Fighter icon has a couple powerful tricks up his gi. For exampe, no mortal could pull off a six-foot high, 1440 degree rotating kick.
Signature move: What else but Ryu's bursting blue Hadoken blast! Think of how much energy he must channel to not only fire off one Hadoken, but to gratuitously fill the screen with blue energy waves for 60 or 90 seconds.
Counterpart: Chun Li (Street Fighter)
Kirby - Destroyer of Worlds!
A pink blob of hope! Kirby's ability to devour all that moves, utilize the powers of those consumed, and never have to hit the bathroom in between levels is, well, uncanny. His breath could power wind turbines and his stomach could accommodate worlds, and anyone who can fly with his tiny hands while on a full stomach - full of bad guys, no less - deserves a spot on this list.
Signature move: It's all about the good ol' Heeeeya! Eh! You know the move. Swing into the air with a sparkling scimitar, only to bring down doom upon all those who stand beneath it.
Counterpart: Ms. Pac-Man may well have been Kirby's original trainer!
Kratos
Kratos doesn't move the fastest, but he deals some of the most monumental levels of damage with acrobatic prowess and an alpha male grunt. He's always scaling buildings (or bosses) and driving his Blades of Chaos deep into enemy flesh.
Signature Move: Kratos destroys Cronos the titan from the inside and rips out his heart in God of War III.
Counterpart: Nariko (Heavenly Sword)
No matter the genre, gender, animal species, or, uh, whatever Kirby is, video games provide us with inhuman powers in a variety of packages. Unlike most of Hollywood and sports, games don't require their characters and players to be 6 ft. 4 or taller with rippling muscles in order to shoot, eat, or kick some booty. Or break bricks with booty, in Mario's case. This is one of the understated ways in which video games have fewer limitations than what entertainment and pop culture offer, and I, as a member of the gaming community, am proud to honor that!
Which other game characters do you think defy mortal conventions? What about Kazooie the bird, who can fly while carrying a bear, or the illusive Ezio Auditore? Let us know!
- Nick "stuBEEF" Pinkerton.